Non-Holiday Cheer

It is December once again, and the Holidays are fast approaching. I personally love this time of year, as it is one of the few times I get to see my family. Most people really do share my opinion, even though it can be very hectic. We have to brave the mall in order to buy gifts for our friends and loved ones. Many people travel, and they have to set up those plans. We have to cook lots of food but also get to make really tasty treats. We have to put up decorations both inside and out and we have to buy a tree (I personally prefer live trees). Getting the tree can be a pain, but putting it up and decorating it is a blast.

We get to sing carols and make lasting memories. We get to play in the snow and ride sleds down the hill. We get lots of cool presents and cards and we get time off of school and work. Cold nights are spend in front of a crackling fire, perhaps snuggling up with your significant other. People walk around in Santa hats and tacky Christmas sweaters. I could go on and on, but there is really only one other image I want to put here, and that is the Salvation Army person we see outside all the stores ringing the bell this time of year.

Now, I’m not going to write a diatribe on not being charitable, at least not financially (though personally I put money in the kettle every time I see them). What I really want to talk about is the underlying message of that donation; it is a message that we are bombarded with from all sides around the holidays: spreading love, peace and goodwill. We hear this message in every Christmas carol, both directly and indirectly. But there was a line I heard the other day that really said it all for me. I was watching the Peter, Paul & Mary Holiday concert and the first song they sang was a rendition of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”, within which there was an added bridge that went like this:

    Once in a year, it is not thought amiss
    To visit our neighbors and sing out like this.
    Of friendship and love, good neighbors abound
    And peace and goodwill the whole year around.

    Pace! Shanti! Salud! Shalom!
    The words mean the same, whatever your home
    Why can’t we have Christmas the whole year around?
    Why can’t we have Christmas the whole year around?

Those, honestly, are beautiful lyrics as they carry so much meaning. They state very concisely what the real meaning of the holidays is, and that is to love your fellow man, be he your best friend, neighbor, that random homeless guy at the bus station or the drunk at the bar; this is the truth. But why are we only obligated to do this once a year, and for that matter, why are we obligated anyway? Why is it that we only need to be “nice” to each other around the holidays?

Read those lyrics again. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

*Twiddles thumbs and whistles*

Done? Okay, now I want you to see what those lyrics actually say; they in fact say that as long as we are kind to each other once a year, that’s good enough for the rest of the year.

Wait, what?

What kind of bullshit is that? Have we really become that jaded and bitter and selfish? Why in fuck has something as simple as being kind and showing a little love become such a damned obligation? Furthermore, how in the hell does being kind to a couple of people at Christmas make up for the rest of the year?

Now, I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s holidays or spirits, but this is something I think really needs to be talked about. When we are children, we are taught that all men are created equal and that we should treat everyone with love and respect and always be willing to help someone out. But somewhere along the way, we become “adults”; we decide to just worry about ourselves and our families and let everyone else work things out for themselves. We see that the world is a dark, scary place and that everyone has to just do the best that they can.

Bullshit.

We made this world EXACTLY what it was and is, and it will continue to be this way unless we open our eyes and change it; frankly, we have no right to complain about it. We live in a world full of violence and unspeakable acts of horror because we made it that way and this is NO RATIONALIZATION. Humans are capable of great compassion, yes, but we are also capable of being absolutely horrible to our fellow man.

The fact is, the world today was born out of our drive to be better than anyone else, and this applies to both individual people and to countries. The United States is a prime example of this; all the time I hear politicians saying that we must do this and that so that we can remain the powerhouse of the world. Who gives a flying fuck? Why the hell do we need to be the best? Why do we always have to be better than the person next to us? Since when did having a massive superiority complex become the defining quality of being human? We claim to be so civilized, but we’re still killing each other every day over how to divide land and resources and what we believe is right. We send troops in to destroy those who don’t think like us. How can we tolerate murder and still have the gall to call ourselves civilized?

TV shows and movies talk about what it is to be human; they talk about the wonderful qualities that we possess. But in real life, we aren’t seeing those qualities because the bad ones overshadow the good ones. I can guarantee that the amount of good deeds done every day outnumber the bad things that happen a thousand to one easily. But that’s not enough. They need to outnumber a billion to one before the bad things stop happening, and this is not as tall an order as you might think.

The first step is to stop being such arrogant, greedy, xenophobic bastards and start thinking of others for a change. There is so much we can and need to do for this world, and it starts with each one of us. Confucius said that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single footstep; in this case, it starts with one person being brave enough to share love with everyone they meet. If one person does it, more will follow, like a giant game of follow the leader. And if we can keep it up, we can show the world that greed and arrogance will no longer be tolerated. We need to show the world that the daily acts of cruelty and hatred must be stopped. Read those lyrics above once more; they ask why we can’t have Christmas the whole year around. The fact is, we can, because Christmas is about loving, caring, peace and ridding ourselves of hatred, intolerance, greed and arrogance. We can have that all year around if we actually try. Don’t think that being nice in December is good enough for the whole year. I implore each and every one of you to do everything you possibly can to spread love and peace the whole year round; visit your friends and neighbors every day, go everywhere with a smile on your face and a song in your heart so that you can brighten anyone’s day.

As Vash The Stampede from my favorite anime Trigun likes to say, “This world is made of . . . LOVE AND PEACE!” This is true in more ways than I could list here, but we are all here because of the supreme act of love. Somewhere along the way, we close off our hearts and became afraid to open them again.

This is the time to open them. Go out and open your hearts and show everyone that it’s alright, that they needn’t be afraid. Always be willing to sacrifice something to help someone out. Somewhere along the way, sacrifice has taken on an almost negative connotation; on the contrary, to sacrifice means to give something up so that something better can take its place, meaning to give up something, even something you treasure, will not only help someone else out, it will help you out as well.

These feelings run rampant this time of year. I ask all of you to walk with me and help me spread these feelings all year, every year. The journey won’t be easy, but it must be done not only for the good of mankind, but for the planet as well. Delivering this message of love, peace, harmony and goodwill will kindle a mutual respect forgotten for thousands of years. The time to rediscover it is now.

I hope you all have a wonderful and safe holiday season, and I look forward to walking with you all in the coming years to spread this message.

Romance Troubles

Romance. The word alone has an infinite amount of connotations. We all see it differently because we have differing ideas on what it is. We all pursue it at some point or another in our lives; some people seem to do so endlessly while others don’t appear to care. Some people seem to have a gift for finding it whenever they want it while others aren’t so lucky. Romance is a subject that is capable of bringing great emotion, both good and bad. It can be difficult to discuss, but I feel it is an important topic on my journey of self discovery to look at the ups and downs in my own quest for love and romance.

Most people that know me are well aware that even now at twenty-five years old, I have still never dated anyone, nor had sex. People are always shocked when I tell them this, due to the fact that most people start dating in high school. As for the sex, there’s really no good way to find an average age due to religious beliefs and the fact that many people simply pledge abstinence; I applaud and respect both of these decisions, as in today’s world it can be difficult to hold off on sex due to the constant barrage of sexuality from the advertising industry. I personally have just not found the right girl yet, and I think one night stands are vulgar and disgusting, not to mention incredibly shortsighted and stupid. But I also take issue with couples that rush right into sex because it’s a very good way of destroying a potentially great relationship. I have seen this happen many times to people I know. As for me, I am taking my time with it; I want to find romance first; this has always been a very difficult thing for me, though over the past few years, I have begun to understand why.

The story of my struggle to find love starts in high school; in fact, the topic of my last post (being bullied) had a direct impact on it. The earliest time I can remember being genuinely attracted to a girl was my freshman year of high school. I had “liked” one or two girls in junior high but I didn’t really know what to do with those feelings yet. By my freshman year, I had grown up a bit more (though anyone that knew me then can attest that I was still very naïve and immature) and started understanding those feelings a bit more. I can remember having at least two major crushes that year, but I was too shy to talk to them. Now, I am a naturally shy person, but my shyness was greatly amplified by being bullied, which really didn’t help. However, due to the fact that most fifteen year olds aren’t very good at hiding these feelings, both those ladies were well aware that I liked them. I ended up becoming good friends with both of them and we still chat from time to time. I had at least one other major crush in high school that I can remember, but I never told her how I felt, although I was not subtle at all, so I’m sure she knew as I later discovered several other people knew (Sometimes it’s pretty funny to look back at what an effing idiot you were in high school).

The simple fact is that teenagers are hormonally challenged idiots when it comes to love, and I was no different. We think we know what we’re doing, and we think we know how to handle those feelings, but we really don’t. Instead, we learn how to handle them through trial and error; this is why the first couple of breakups hurt so much. Some people say that I was a bit lucky to not have my heart broken in high school, which, at that time, I agreed with. I saw plenty of people get theirs broken, so I knew what it did to a person and didn’t have any desire for it; this is partially WHY I didn’t date anyone. I was afraid of rejection, of getting hurt, so I simply didn’t try. We’re all afraid of rejection, because hey, it sucks. Unfortunately, having been bullied only added fuel to that fire. I already felt like an outcast and I didn’t want to get completely shot down and give people more reason to pick on me; I suffered plenty of rejection already. But being alone while everyone you knew was with someone was not easy either. It only served to intensify my feeling that I wasn’t worth dating, that no one would ever like me. I became extremely withdrawn, which I later learned turned at least one potential date away, but my point of view was that it was just my way of dealing with the stress of being a teenager.

So, from a romantic standpoint, high school passed by rather unceremoniously for me; no dates, girlfriends, or dances, not even the senior prom. There was a time, a few years ago, that I would have blamed this entirely on the female gender, but it was my damn fault for not trying (besides, that feeling was the result of something I will relate further down in this post.).

A few months after graduating, I got a job at the crapshack known as McDonald’s. It was in my second of three years there that I had what I felt was the first time I'd ever had a chance with a girl. It didn't end up going anywhere, but it was remarkable nonetheless. After high school, I stopped looking for a while because I had other things to deal with; I only started letting myself look again shortly before meeting this girl, so needless to say, it was a bit surprising to find potential so quickly. We became good friends, but didn't end up dating.

From here, my love life was quiet for a few years. One or two girls caught my eye, but nothing of particular interest happened until I was twenty-two, when I came the closest I ever have to actually dating someone. It was one of those bizarre experiences where you seem to just fall for each other out of the blue, and being that I had never had a girl actually like me before, I fell hard. We considered actually dating, but decided that it would not work out so we ended the romance and tried to go back to being just friends; unfortunately, as anyone who has been here knows, it's pretty much impossible to go back to being just friends. I couldn't let go, and ended up becoming a possessive, jealous jackass, destroying a good friendship in the process. This whole thing haunts me to this day. It was a huge mess that I sometimes wish I had never gotten myself in to; however, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Before she admitted her feelings for me, I was seriously considering giving up on ever finding love as I had been turned down every other time I had tried; I believe that this was a sign that I needed to keep holding on, as there was potential for me yet.

Unfortunately, losing the closest thing I ever had to a girlfriend made me feel like an unloveable, unwanted freak once more. As everyone can attest, the first love is the most difficult to get over. I was unlucky, in that it happened so much later than it does for most people; most people have their first love while they are still teenagers and the heartbreak, while exceedingly painful, is largely overshadowed by the drama of being a teenager. I had to take it full on because I didn't have that drama to distract me. Anyone who reads my personal blog posts from that time period can see that I went through the typical “I'll never love anyone else stage” pretty harshly. It took quite some time, but I've moved on, though as I said, it still pings me to this day.

Since then, I've still not dated or even come close to it. I needed time to find myself again, and I had some personal responsibilities to take care of, so I didn't really look for a while. Over the past few years, I have begun looking again, and I think that now the wheels are finally starting to turn for me. I feel more confident in myself than ever, and I believe that there is now more potential for me in love than ever before.

For so long, I tried desperately to find the reason that I was always alone, something that would explain why no one ever seemed to want me. I could not figure out why, even though I'm a hell of a guy, every girl that caught me threw me back. It took until just a couple of years ago to figure out that I knew the reason all along: I simply was not ready. Fate wasn't going to give me a relationship as I had other things to concentrate on first, so I continue waiting, which is not always easy. Old feelings still well their way up from time to time. Bad memories and old pains still work their their way out, trying to make me feel miserable, and sometimes making me do stupid things. But such is life. We all feel some desperation from time to time, and it can make you do some ridiculously stupid things, just as love itself can make you do crazy things. Looking back on some of the things I’ve done, the first thought that comes to mind is “What the fuck was I thinking?” The fact is, when consumed by desperation or blinded by our love for someone, we’re fucking idiots, and the worst part is that we are almost guaranteed to hurt someone close to us by being so blind. I have been on both sides of this, and they both suck equally.

No matter who you are, love's path is long and tumultuous. There are nasty potholes in the road and you have to fight your way through thorns that threaten to tear you apart. There will always be obstacles to overcome and there will always be things that try to hold you back. Some people seem to be able to walk this path faster and easier than others, but it's irrelevant because what is right for one person is not right for everyone; this is something I have struggled with, but I now understand it completely and fervently believe in it. Yes, I'm 25 and have never dated; yes, most people start dating at about 16 or 17, but it doesn't matter. The only thing this means is that it's simply not my time yet. I want anyone who is feeling unloved or unwanted to take this to heart, and to remember that even if no one is IN love with you, that does not mean that no one loves you. There WILL be a time for you. But even if you can't see that, just remember to love yourself and believe that you are worthy of being loved. I mean, look at the hell I've been through on my own journey to find love; I've been turned down every time I've tried and the one time I got close, I had my heart broken. But through it all, I was able to keep on going. The belief that you really are worthy and will find a brighter future has seen me through some very dark and lonely times.

We may live in a world that seems devoid of any kind of love, but I encourage all of you to look around you and see just how much love there really is. People want to love, they really do; they're just scared to.

Individuality

For my first entry, I would like to discuss Individuality. Firstly, what does Individuality mean? Dictionary.com has six definitions, but numbers three and five are the best, in my opinion:

    3. A person of thing of individual or distinctive character.

    5. The interests of the individual as distinguished from the interests of the community.

With these definitions in hand, I would like to explore some of my own issues and struggles with this. We all have them, especially during adolescence and even somewhat into our twenties. It’s part of discovering who we are; however, I still struggle with it to this day. So I would like to look at some events from my early high schools years in an effort to shine a light on this struggle.

I believe it really started around my freshman year of high school, about eleven years ago. Junior high was over, and it hadn’t gone too badly. My grades were decent, and I had Chorus and piano lessons to keep me occupied. I was picked on fairly frequently, but nothing too bad, and really no more so than anyone else. I mean, let’s face it; junior high consists of a bunch of snot-nosed little bastards who torment each other (not to mention the poor teachers) out of fear because they’ve been taken from the comfort of elementary school and thrown into the dark, smelly pit that is middle school. My school was arguably worse because it was grades 7-12, meaning we also had the towering and imposing upperclassmen to intimidate us, though I was largely left alone by them.

But I digress. My freshman year felt like a fresh slate, if you will. The junior high had been relocated to a new building down the road, so I was once again in the youngest class in the school. Freshman year is when you start figuring out your place in the school, be it jock, nerd, cheerleader, band geek, etc (Note: I apologize if I offend anyone with these labels, it’s just that this is how high school really is). I don’t think I ever really had a label, though if I had to give myself one, it’d be Chorus Nerd. Chorus was where I felt most at home, though I never really felt at home anywhere there; again, I believe virtually all high school students feel this way. I was still very unsure of who I was and, those who knew me back then also knew me to be a painfully shy, albeit loudmouthed smartass; a strange combination, I will grant you. I think I subconsciously liked Chorus because I could hide in the crowd, even from myself. Even at that early age, I didn’t particularly like myself. I won’t say I hated myself, however, because that is simply not true; I simply have always seen my flaws more than my perks, something we all do from time to time. This, however, is essentially why I’ve always had so little confidence in myself.

So I went into my freshman year both feeling good for a clean slate and feeling very little confidence in myself, not to mention the fact that I was painfully shy. We all know that bullies can sniff out the kids with these attributes like a dog finding a steak, so it didn’t take long for them to find me and start with bullying. I was picked on mercilessly. Pantsed in the shower, shoved around, books stolen; you name it, I had it. I intentionally hung around the music wing as much as I could because I knew the jocks and punks that picked on me wouldn’t come anywhere near that area of the school. When I couldn’t be there, I hung near teachers because they wouldn’t dare pick a fight in front of a teacher. Somehow, I never actually got beat up, despite having quite a few threats.

Now, I’ll admit that being very small for my age and being a giant smartass with a very loud mouth didn’t help, but the fact is that no one deserves this crap. I considered retaliation from time to time, but I knew it would make no difference. If I did something to a bully, they’d do something worse to me, and furthermore, I eventually realized that it just wasn’t worth getting myself in trouble over some stupid jackass. So I ignored them. This is what I always tell people to do, and it is what most people in this situation are told. But they, understandably, want a quick fix. There is no quick fix. Ignoring them will work, but it takes quite a while. Eventually, the bullies grew up, as did I, and we no longer acted so childish towards each other. I even became friends with a couple of them. But, sadly, this was not the only method I employed to stop the bullying. I started to lose myself as I decided that acting like everyone else would make me less likely to be picked on, and it did. But again, by acting like everyone else, I wasn’t myself. This was the first step on losing my true self.

Now, on a final note, as the entire point of this blog is my attempt at rediscovering my true self, I do feel the need to state the obvious. We are ever-changing beings, and I am no exception. Naturally my “true self” is not the same as it was when I was a little freshman, nor should it be. The fact is, due to the actions noted here and actions to be noted in future posts, I have lost touch with the person I really am and have only recently been able to start reconnecting with that man. I have taken long strides toward this over the past few years, but I still have a long way to go. Walk with me, and perhaps you’ll learn something about yourself along the way too.

The world is a scary place, but that doesn’t mean we need to be afraid; it just means we need to stay strong.