Romance Troubles

Romance. The word alone has an infinite amount of connotations. We all see it differently because we have differing ideas on what it is. We all pursue it at some point or another in our lives; some people seem to do so endlessly while others don’t appear to care. Some people seem to have a gift for finding it whenever they want it while others aren’t so lucky. Romance is a subject that is capable of bringing great emotion, both good and bad. It can be difficult to discuss, but I feel it is an important topic on my journey of self discovery to look at the ups and downs in my own quest for love and romance.

Most people that know me are well aware that even now at twenty-five years old, I have still never dated anyone, nor had sex. People are always shocked when I tell them this, due to the fact that most people start dating in high school. As for the sex, there’s really no good way to find an average age due to religious beliefs and the fact that many people simply pledge abstinence; I applaud and respect both of these decisions, as in today’s world it can be difficult to hold off on sex due to the constant barrage of sexuality from the advertising industry. I personally have just not found the right girl yet, and I think one night stands are vulgar and disgusting, not to mention incredibly shortsighted and stupid. But I also take issue with couples that rush right into sex because it’s a very good way of destroying a potentially great relationship. I have seen this happen many times to people I know. As for me, I am taking my time with it; I want to find romance first; this has always been a very difficult thing for me, though over the past few years, I have begun to understand why.

The story of my struggle to find love starts in high school; in fact, the topic of my last post (being bullied) had a direct impact on it. The earliest time I can remember being genuinely attracted to a girl was my freshman year of high school. I had “liked” one or two girls in junior high but I didn’t really know what to do with those feelings yet. By my freshman year, I had grown up a bit more (though anyone that knew me then can attest that I was still very naïve and immature) and started understanding those feelings a bit more. I can remember having at least two major crushes that year, but I was too shy to talk to them. Now, I am a naturally shy person, but my shyness was greatly amplified by being bullied, which really didn’t help. However, due to the fact that most fifteen year olds aren’t very good at hiding these feelings, both those ladies were well aware that I liked them. I ended up becoming good friends with both of them and we still chat from time to time. I had at least one other major crush in high school that I can remember, but I never told her how I felt, although I was not subtle at all, so I’m sure she knew as I later discovered several other people knew (Sometimes it’s pretty funny to look back at what an effing idiot you were in high school).

The simple fact is that teenagers are hormonally challenged idiots when it comes to love, and I was no different. We think we know what we’re doing, and we think we know how to handle those feelings, but we really don’t. Instead, we learn how to handle them through trial and error; this is why the first couple of breakups hurt so much. Some people say that I was a bit lucky to not have my heart broken in high school, which, at that time, I agreed with. I saw plenty of people get theirs broken, so I knew what it did to a person and didn’t have any desire for it; this is partially WHY I didn’t date anyone. I was afraid of rejection, of getting hurt, so I simply didn’t try. We’re all afraid of rejection, because hey, it sucks. Unfortunately, having been bullied only added fuel to that fire. I already felt like an outcast and I didn’t want to get completely shot down and give people more reason to pick on me; I suffered plenty of rejection already. But being alone while everyone you knew was with someone was not easy either. It only served to intensify my feeling that I wasn’t worth dating, that no one would ever like me. I became extremely withdrawn, which I later learned turned at least one potential date away, but my point of view was that it was just my way of dealing with the stress of being a teenager.

So, from a romantic standpoint, high school passed by rather unceremoniously for me; no dates, girlfriends, or dances, not even the senior prom. There was a time, a few years ago, that I would have blamed this entirely on the female gender, but it was my damn fault for not trying (besides, that feeling was the result of something I will relate further down in this post.).

A few months after graduating, I got a job at the crapshack known as McDonald’s. It was in my second of three years there that I had what I felt was the first time I'd ever had a chance with a girl. It didn't end up going anywhere, but it was remarkable nonetheless. After high school, I stopped looking for a while because I had other things to deal with; I only started letting myself look again shortly before meeting this girl, so needless to say, it was a bit surprising to find potential so quickly. We became good friends, but didn't end up dating.

From here, my love life was quiet for a few years. One or two girls caught my eye, but nothing of particular interest happened until I was twenty-two, when I came the closest I ever have to actually dating someone. It was one of those bizarre experiences where you seem to just fall for each other out of the blue, and being that I had never had a girl actually like me before, I fell hard. We considered actually dating, but decided that it would not work out so we ended the romance and tried to go back to being just friends; unfortunately, as anyone who has been here knows, it's pretty much impossible to go back to being just friends. I couldn't let go, and ended up becoming a possessive, jealous jackass, destroying a good friendship in the process. This whole thing haunts me to this day. It was a huge mess that I sometimes wish I had never gotten myself in to; however, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Before she admitted her feelings for me, I was seriously considering giving up on ever finding love as I had been turned down every other time I had tried; I believe that this was a sign that I needed to keep holding on, as there was potential for me yet.

Unfortunately, losing the closest thing I ever had to a girlfriend made me feel like an unloveable, unwanted freak once more. As everyone can attest, the first love is the most difficult to get over. I was unlucky, in that it happened so much later than it does for most people; most people have their first love while they are still teenagers and the heartbreak, while exceedingly painful, is largely overshadowed by the drama of being a teenager. I had to take it full on because I didn't have that drama to distract me. Anyone who reads my personal blog posts from that time period can see that I went through the typical “I'll never love anyone else stage” pretty harshly. It took quite some time, but I've moved on, though as I said, it still pings me to this day.

Since then, I've still not dated or even come close to it. I needed time to find myself again, and I had some personal responsibilities to take care of, so I didn't really look for a while. Over the past few years, I have begun looking again, and I think that now the wheels are finally starting to turn for me. I feel more confident in myself than ever, and I believe that there is now more potential for me in love than ever before.

For so long, I tried desperately to find the reason that I was always alone, something that would explain why no one ever seemed to want me. I could not figure out why, even though I'm a hell of a guy, every girl that caught me threw me back. It took until just a couple of years ago to figure out that I knew the reason all along: I simply was not ready. Fate wasn't going to give me a relationship as I had other things to concentrate on first, so I continue waiting, which is not always easy. Old feelings still well their way up from time to time. Bad memories and old pains still work their their way out, trying to make me feel miserable, and sometimes making me do stupid things. But such is life. We all feel some desperation from time to time, and it can make you do some ridiculously stupid things, just as love itself can make you do crazy things. Looking back on some of the things I’ve done, the first thought that comes to mind is “What the fuck was I thinking?” The fact is, when consumed by desperation or blinded by our love for someone, we’re fucking idiots, and the worst part is that we are almost guaranteed to hurt someone close to us by being so blind. I have been on both sides of this, and they both suck equally.

No matter who you are, love's path is long and tumultuous. There are nasty potholes in the road and you have to fight your way through thorns that threaten to tear you apart. There will always be obstacles to overcome and there will always be things that try to hold you back. Some people seem to be able to walk this path faster and easier than others, but it's irrelevant because what is right for one person is not right for everyone; this is something I have struggled with, but I now understand it completely and fervently believe in it. Yes, I'm 25 and have never dated; yes, most people start dating at about 16 or 17, but it doesn't matter. The only thing this means is that it's simply not my time yet. I want anyone who is feeling unloved or unwanted to take this to heart, and to remember that even if no one is IN love with you, that does not mean that no one loves you. There WILL be a time for you. But even if you can't see that, just remember to love yourself and believe that you are worthy of being loved. I mean, look at the hell I've been through on my own journey to find love; I've been turned down every time I've tried and the one time I got close, I had my heart broken. But through it all, I was able to keep on going. The belief that you really are worthy and will find a brighter future has seen me through some very dark and lonely times.

We may live in a world that seems devoid of any kind of love, but I encourage all of you to look around you and see just how much love there really is. People want to love, they really do; they're just scared to.