What a year 2015 was! After a decade of slogging through the quagmire that is my life, I finally finished laying the foundations for a better one. I graduated college with two Bachelor’s Degrees: one in Electronic Media, and one in English with a focus in Creative Writing. I started seeing a therapist again so that I could finally begin dealing with the demons that have plagued me for so long. My painful past, which fed those demons like gasoline on a fire, was finally buried once and for all. Medication is helping me control the anxieties that have kept me stuck for so long.
And yet . . .
I’m still stuck. I’m still in the same position I was at this time last year. Seven months have passed since I graduated, and I’m still unemployed (aside from doing some freelance work). I can’t even say I’ve used the time to purse my creative interests; I’ve picked at a few projects, but I haven’t really worked on anything earnestly. As the New Year rolled in, I found myself wondering why. Why am I still here? What the hell am I doing with my life?
Obviously, I am, as usual, my own biggest obstacle. That much is painfully clear to me. But I still can’t fully understand exactly why I continue to hold myself back. I have all the freedom I’ve worked so long to have, and yet I’m just sitting here instead of exercising it. My plan had been to be gainfully employed and be living in my own place (preferably outside Cincinnati) by last October, but that time has come and gone, and nothing has changed.
Now, we all know that change can’t just happen by itself. I’m the one not doing anything, and I’m not going to attempt to rationalize my laziness. I need to change this. I need to start moving on with my life. So I’m trying to understand why I’m not motivating myself, despite a wealth of ambition. I thought about turning this post into a long-winded analyzation of my psychological problems, but somehow I don’t think that would be of interest to anyone but myself. That being said, my frequent ruminations on this problem have consistently led me to one possible avenue to helping myself move on: setting clear, coherent, attainable goals.
Although I’ve never been the most academically-minded person, I was able to do quite well in college (at least during my second college career) because there were clear goals that needed to be met in order for me to succeed. I’ve tried this since then with a whiteboard hung on the wall over my desk. The board is filled with things that I need to do, yet even those still remain largely undone (although I was able to scratch one item off the list today). I think the intent of this was good, but it didn’t work well for two reasons:
1. The list was really more of a to-do list than a list of goals
2. I was the only one ever seeing the list
Of the two reasons, I consider the second the easiest to remedy; hence the fact that I wrote this post. The first is the one that really made me sit down and think. What do I want for my life? Where do I want to go from here? Where do I want to be in five years? Ten years? And what do I need to do to get there?
To answer these questions, I’ve come up with five goals. One could call them New Year’s resolutions, but I see them as more than that. Most people make New Year’s resolutions just because they feel obligated to fix something about themselves. Now, I’m obviously not saying this is a bad thing, but how many people actually follow through on their resolutions? I need to do more than make some half-assed resolution; I need to set clear goals and do whatever is necessary to achieve them so that I can finally get the things I want out of life. So, without further ado, I present my five goals for 2016:
1. Get a Job
This is the most important, and most obvious, of my goals. Everything hinges on me getting a job. Money makes the world go ‘round, and you really can’t do anything without it. But there’s more to this than simply earning a paycheck. Getting a job will get me out of the house and into a more social setting, thereby offsetting my hermetic lifestyle; this, in addition to being able to finally be financially independent, will be a boon to my confidence and anxiety issues.
2. Move the HELL Out of My House
This is every bit as important as getting a job, but it can’t happen until I GET a job. I’ve lived here almost my entire life, and I need to leave. While my early years were fine, the thirteen years since high school have been difficult, at times just short of hellacious. This place has been more like a prison to me than a home. I’ve been stuck in this house alone through many of the darkest moments of my life. As such, the more recent memories, none of which are particularly good, completely overpower the positive ones.
Furthermore, this house is exacerbating my anxiety issues. While back in therapy last year, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. Sadly, this house is a large part of the problem. It has held me back so much for so long that my therapist likened it to being in an abusive relationship (to those who have had the misfortune to be in such a relationship, I apologize if I offend you in any way. I am not making light of the psychological implications of such abuse; rather, I am simply agreeing with my therapist that there is an emotional and mental correlation when one considers the effects). I have actually proved the effect this house has on me by observing how much better I feel when I am anywhere else. Long term, I actually want to move out of Cincinnati as the entire region has become quite toxic to me (and I have observed a similar improvement in my mental and emotional states when I’m not in town, so the correlation holds). I considered doing this right off the bat, but those who suffer from anxiety disorders know that it is generally better to take several smaller steps than one huge one, so I intend to find an apartment here while I save money and plan for the future.
3. Get Published
This one actually has two sub-points: Get a Story Published, and Get My Project Schedule Back On Track. The first is the one that has most irritated me, being that I have just earned an English degree. I have a wealth of stories I’ve written for various classes, and I also have a novel I’ve been working on for about ten years. Yet, in all this time, I’ve only sent one short story out for publication. Unfortunately, it was rejected, but I haven’t sent anything since, mostly due to the fact that I have nothing that is ready for submission. But I need to get on the ball and start both revising and writing again. One thing I’d particularly like to do is start going to a writer’s group again; I was a member of one a few years ago, and I found it both enjoyable and instructive (if anyone knows of any good writer’s groups, let me know).
The second sub-point will be more complicated because there’s no clear way to do it. I have numerous projects I’ve been working on that are at various stages of completion, and I need to start finishing them. So I’m going to prioritize the important ones, and start setting time aside to work on them. Of all the projects I have simmering, I want to get the web design-related ones done first; one of them is a paid freelance project I’ve been working on, and the other two have to do with my websites. One of these is media portfolio, which is an important aspect in getting a job. Though I have an online portfolio, it’s very outdated, and the design simply isn’t very aesthetically pleasing. I’ve got a new version nearly completed, and I need to finish it so I have a better chance of getting a job. Once this is done, I also intend to build a new site for my creative projects as the current one is quite old and boring. After that, the next priority is media projects, such as a web series I am currently developing. There are numerous other projects as well, but I won’t bother continuing to categorize them. Regardless, I need to start working on all of them on a regular basis so that I can actually finish them; heck, being unemployed gives me plenty of time to do just that, so there’s really no excuse.
4. Get Both Blogs Back to a Monthly Update Schedule
I considered putting this under Get Published, but I decided not to because my blogs are a separate project from everything else. I’ve been pretty bad about posting here, and I’ve not been much better about updating my genealogy blog Looking For Your Roots. But I’ve really enjoyed writing essays for both blogs, and I want to get back into that. Moreover, writing on all the subjects I write on helps keep my mind off my anxieties, especially when I get involved in discussion or research, meaning it’s actually quite therapeutic in a way. The great thing about this goal is that I can achieve it right off the bat because I have a trove of half-written essays and pages of ideas for both blogs, so I’ve already done half the work. I’m still working out the schedule for this blog (I want to post at least a couple of times a month as I want to run this a bit more like a newspaper column, discussing both current events and my own issues), but I plan to update my genealogy blog on the 15th of every month.
5. Get Back In Shape
Okay, I admit that just about everyone makes this resolution. But for me, it goes far beyond simply wanting to have a nicer body. The longest period of my life in which I felt good about myself was when I rode my bike everywhere. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 21, and I lived alone for the most part, so if I need to go anywhere, I had to get on my bike and go. I biked to work at McDonald’s at 4:30 in the morning. I biked to the grocery store and filled my backpack with groceries (occasionally even strapping things to the cargo rack on the back of my bike). I biked to friend’s houses to hang out. For longer distances, such as going to school, I biked to the nearest bus stop (generally a couple of miles down the road due to the time I went to school), put my bike on the front of the bus, and went.
Having to bike everywhere meant that I was in fantastic shape even though I tended to eat a lot of junk (that habit needs to change as well). I was never muscular or toned, but I felt physically good because I was getting so much exercise. This, in turn, helped me feel better about myself because I didn’t feel limited by my physique the way I had as a kid and teenager. Additionally, I had a lot of fun biking (at least when the weather cooperated, anyway) everywhere and anywhere. I still try to get on my bike from time to time because it’s still enjoyable to me. It’s something I want to as frequently as possible now because I miss the fun. I miss being in good shape. I miss the mental boost that comes with it.
There is also a sub-goal on this one, and that has to do with my dental work. My teeth are pretty heinously crooked, and I’ve always been very self-conscious about them. On top of that, due to my mental issues, I have not taken particularly good care of them. Over the past couple of years, I’ve had a great deal of work done on them, but I haven’t seen it through. I have a bit of general dental work to finish, and then I need to start with braces. Now, obviously braces will take more than a year to straighten out my teeth (last time I met with the orthodontist, he estimate about 18 months), but there’s no reason I can’t get started on them this year. I need to get my teeth clean and straight so that I’m not so self-conscious about them anymore. Additionally, having better-looking teeth can only be a benefit, especially when it comes to job hunting and dating (even if my love life is nonexistent).
All the above goals might seem like simple New Year’s resolutions, but they aren’t. I chose these specific goals because they are what I need to do to get myself moving again. They will help my mental and physical health. That boost to my health will in turn help me in working through my anxiety and PTSD. Those disorders are the other reason I chose these specific goals; these are goals that I know beyond any shadow of a doubt I can attain, and I know the steps necessary to achieve them are well within my abilities.
I know that some people will think I’m greatly over-analyzing all of this, and I probably am. But I do so only because it’s of the most effective ways I have found to work past my mental illness. I have to plan things out, analyze them, and take small steps in order to get anywhere. However crazy this might seem, it does work. Ambition is a wonderful thing, something that I am full of, but I can’t simply take huge steps. My illness prevents me from being able to take the giant leaps that others take. But that doesn’t mean I can’t get everything I want out of life. I just have find the path that’s best for me.
And yet . . .
I’m still stuck. I’m still in the same position I was at this time last year. Seven months have passed since I graduated, and I’m still unemployed (aside from doing some freelance work). I can’t even say I’ve used the time to purse my creative interests; I’ve picked at a few projects, but I haven’t really worked on anything earnestly. As the New Year rolled in, I found myself wondering why. Why am I still here? What the hell am I doing with my life?
Obviously, I am, as usual, my own biggest obstacle. That much is painfully clear to me. But I still can’t fully understand exactly why I continue to hold myself back. I have all the freedom I’ve worked so long to have, and yet I’m just sitting here instead of exercising it. My plan had been to be gainfully employed and be living in my own place (preferably outside Cincinnati) by last October, but that time has come and gone, and nothing has changed.
Now, we all know that change can’t just happen by itself. I’m the one not doing anything, and I’m not going to attempt to rationalize my laziness. I need to change this. I need to start moving on with my life. So I’m trying to understand why I’m not motivating myself, despite a wealth of ambition. I thought about turning this post into a long-winded analyzation of my psychological problems, but somehow I don’t think that would be of interest to anyone but myself. That being said, my frequent ruminations on this problem have consistently led me to one possible avenue to helping myself move on: setting clear, coherent, attainable goals.
Although I’ve never been the most academically-minded person, I was able to do quite well in college (at least during my second college career) because there were clear goals that needed to be met in order for me to succeed. I’ve tried this since then with a whiteboard hung on the wall over my desk. The board is filled with things that I need to do, yet even those still remain largely undone (although I was able to scratch one item off the list today). I think the intent of this was good, but it didn’t work well for two reasons:
1. The list was really more of a to-do list than a list of goals
2. I was the only one ever seeing the list
Of the two reasons, I consider the second the easiest to remedy; hence the fact that I wrote this post. The first is the one that really made me sit down and think. What do I want for my life? Where do I want to go from here? Where do I want to be in five years? Ten years? And what do I need to do to get there?
To answer these questions, I’ve come up with five goals. One could call them New Year’s resolutions, but I see them as more than that. Most people make New Year’s resolutions just because they feel obligated to fix something about themselves. Now, I’m obviously not saying this is a bad thing, but how many people actually follow through on their resolutions? I need to do more than make some half-assed resolution; I need to set clear goals and do whatever is necessary to achieve them so that I can finally get the things I want out of life. So, without further ado, I present my five goals for 2016:
1. Get a Job
This is the most important, and most obvious, of my goals. Everything hinges on me getting a job. Money makes the world go ‘round, and you really can’t do anything without it. But there’s more to this than simply earning a paycheck. Getting a job will get me out of the house and into a more social setting, thereby offsetting my hermetic lifestyle; this, in addition to being able to finally be financially independent, will be a boon to my confidence and anxiety issues.
2. Move the HELL Out of My House
This is every bit as important as getting a job, but it can’t happen until I GET a job. I’ve lived here almost my entire life, and I need to leave. While my early years were fine, the thirteen years since high school have been difficult, at times just short of hellacious. This place has been more like a prison to me than a home. I’ve been stuck in this house alone through many of the darkest moments of my life. As such, the more recent memories, none of which are particularly good, completely overpower the positive ones.
Furthermore, this house is exacerbating my anxiety issues. While back in therapy last year, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. Sadly, this house is a large part of the problem. It has held me back so much for so long that my therapist likened it to being in an abusive relationship (to those who have had the misfortune to be in such a relationship, I apologize if I offend you in any way. I am not making light of the psychological implications of such abuse; rather, I am simply agreeing with my therapist that there is an emotional and mental correlation when one considers the effects). I have actually proved the effect this house has on me by observing how much better I feel when I am anywhere else. Long term, I actually want to move out of Cincinnati as the entire region has become quite toxic to me (and I have observed a similar improvement in my mental and emotional states when I’m not in town, so the correlation holds). I considered doing this right off the bat, but those who suffer from anxiety disorders know that it is generally better to take several smaller steps than one huge one, so I intend to find an apartment here while I save money and plan for the future.
3. Get Published
This one actually has two sub-points: Get a Story Published, and Get My Project Schedule Back On Track. The first is the one that has most irritated me, being that I have just earned an English degree. I have a wealth of stories I’ve written for various classes, and I also have a novel I’ve been working on for about ten years. Yet, in all this time, I’ve only sent one short story out for publication. Unfortunately, it was rejected, but I haven’t sent anything since, mostly due to the fact that I have nothing that is ready for submission. But I need to get on the ball and start both revising and writing again. One thing I’d particularly like to do is start going to a writer’s group again; I was a member of one a few years ago, and I found it both enjoyable and instructive (if anyone knows of any good writer’s groups, let me know).
The second sub-point will be more complicated because there’s no clear way to do it. I have numerous projects I’ve been working on that are at various stages of completion, and I need to start finishing them. So I’m going to prioritize the important ones, and start setting time aside to work on them. Of all the projects I have simmering, I want to get the web design-related ones done first; one of them is a paid freelance project I’ve been working on, and the other two have to do with my websites. One of these is media portfolio, which is an important aspect in getting a job. Though I have an online portfolio, it’s very outdated, and the design simply isn’t very aesthetically pleasing. I’ve got a new version nearly completed, and I need to finish it so I have a better chance of getting a job. Once this is done, I also intend to build a new site for my creative projects as the current one is quite old and boring. After that, the next priority is media projects, such as a web series I am currently developing. There are numerous other projects as well, but I won’t bother continuing to categorize them. Regardless, I need to start working on all of them on a regular basis so that I can actually finish them; heck, being unemployed gives me plenty of time to do just that, so there’s really no excuse.
4. Get Both Blogs Back to a Monthly Update Schedule
I considered putting this under Get Published, but I decided not to because my blogs are a separate project from everything else. I’ve been pretty bad about posting here, and I’ve not been much better about updating my genealogy blog Looking For Your Roots. But I’ve really enjoyed writing essays for both blogs, and I want to get back into that. Moreover, writing on all the subjects I write on helps keep my mind off my anxieties, especially when I get involved in discussion or research, meaning it’s actually quite therapeutic in a way. The great thing about this goal is that I can achieve it right off the bat because I have a trove of half-written essays and pages of ideas for both blogs, so I’ve already done half the work. I’m still working out the schedule for this blog (I want to post at least a couple of times a month as I want to run this a bit more like a newspaper column, discussing both current events and my own issues), but I plan to update my genealogy blog on the 15th of every month.
5. Get Back In Shape
Okay, I admit that just about everyone makes this resolution. But for me, it goes far beyond simply wanting to have a nicer body. The longest period of my life in which I felt good about myself was when I rode my bike everywhere. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 21, and I lived alone for the most part, so if I need to go anywhere, I had to get on my bike and go. I biked to work at McDonald’s at 4:30 in the morning. I biked to the grocery store and filled my backpack with groceries (occasionally even strapping things to the cargo rack on the back of my bike). I biked to friend’s houses to hang out. For longer distances, such as going to school, I biked to the nearest bus stop (generally a couple of miles down the road due to the time I went to school), put my bike on the front of the bus, and went.
Having to bike everywhere meant that I was in fantastic shape even though I tended to eat a lot of junk (that habit needs to change as well). I was never muscular or toned, but I felt physically good because I was getting so much exercise. This, in turn, helped me feel better about myself because I didn’t feel limited by my physique the way I had as a kid and teenager. Additionally, I had a lot of fun biking (at least when the weather cooperated, anyway) everywhere and anywhere. I still try to get on my bike from time to time because it’s still enjoyable to me. It’s something I want to as frequently as possible now because I miss the fun. I miss being in good shape. I miss the mental boost that comes with it.
There is also a sub-goal on this one, and that has to do with my dental work. My teeth are pretty heinously crooked, and I’ve always been very self-conscious about them. On top of that, due to my mental issues, I have not taken particularly good care of them. Over the past couple of years, I’ve had a great deal of work done on them, but I haven’t seen it through. I have a bit of general dental work to finish, and then I need to start with braces. Now, obviously braces will take more than a year to straighten out my teeth (last time I met with the orthodontist, he estimate about 18 months), but there’s no reason I can’t get started on them this year. I need to get my teeth clean and straight so that I’m not so self-conscious about them anymore. Additionally, having better-looking teeth can only be a benefit, especially when it comes to job hunting and dating (even if my love life is nonexistent).
All the above goals might seem like simple New Year’s resolutions, but they aren’t. I chose these specific goals because they are what I need to do to get myself moving again. They will help my mental and physical health. That boost to my health will in turn help me in working through my anxiety and PTSD. Those disorders are the other reason I chose these specific goals; these are goals that I know beyond any shadow of a doubt I can attain, and I know the steps necessary to achieve them are well within my abilities.
I know that some people will think I’m greatly over-analyzing all of this, and I probably am. But I do so only because it’s of the most effective ways I have found to work past my mental illness. I have to plan things out, analyze them, and take small steps in order to get anywhere. However crazy this might seem, it does work. Ambition is a wonderful thing, something that I am full of, but I can’t simply take huge steps. My illness prevents me from being able to take the giant leaps that others take. But that doesn’t mean I can’t get everything I want out of life. I just have find the path that’s best for me.
